2009 Tank Awards

  • The Soap Opera Award:

    To Tiger Woods who’s seemingly charmed life has been turned upside down by the tabloid media after a Thanksgiving Night accident on his own property. At last count there were 11 women who have been linked to having an affair with the world’s top golfer, whose marriage appears to be crumbling, while sponsors have began dropping him.

  • Bill Buckner Choke of the Year:

    The Detroit Tigers who saw a seven game lead slip away in September, including a three game lead with four games left as they were beaten by the Minnesota Twins in a one game tiebreaker for the American League Central Division Title, losing three key games at home in the process.

  • Weasel of the Year:Weasel of the Year:

    To Brett Favre who unretired for the second year in a row to play with the Minnesota Vikings, a longtime rival of the Green Bay Packers. All along he played with the media and stretched it out to grab extra attention, and late in the season he got in a fight over his coach who wanted to pull him out of a game.

  • Most Annoying Person:

    Chad Ochocinco, from strange touchdown celebrations to bribing NFL officials on the field. Off the field his Twitter account and name change have stolen a few headlines and smirk as the clown prince of the NFL all while acting like a two year old craving attention 24/7.

  • Money for Nothing Award:

    Vernon Wells of the Toronto Blue Jays has been a major disappointment since signing a seven year $126 million contract in 2006. The deal was back loaded and has handcuffed the Jays financially as no team is willing to take the struggling former All-Star’s contract that has been called by some one of the worst in baseball history.

  • Screw Job of the Year :

    To FIFA officials who allowed France to gain a spot in the 2010 World Cup with a handball goal by Thierry Henry to tie the second game of a two game aggregate score series against Ireland during extra time. Had the goal been disallowed Ireland would have been going to South Africa by winning the second game 1-0.

  • Overrated Player of the Year:

    Jay Cutler was acquired from the Broncos for QB Kyle Orton and two first round draft picks, and the Chicago Bears are heading for a ten loss season. Cutler meanwhile has thrown 25 interceptions in the Bears first 14 games. Orton meanwhile has played decently while the Broncos are in the playoff chase.

  • Underrated Player of the Year:

    Mark Buehrle of the Chicago White Sox dose not light up any radar guns, but he is one of the most solid starting pitchers in baseball. He provided further evidence of this when he tossed his second career no hitter, making this one a perfect game against the Tampa Bay Rays.

  • Bust of the Year:

    The New York Mets who were picked at the beginning of the season by SI to win the World Series but went through an injury plagued 92 loss season in which the team hit just 95 homers and played boring baseball in their first season at Citi Field.

  • The Village Idiot Award:

    TBS baseball announcer Chip Caray who demonstrated why nepotism is a bad thing in sports announcing as he fumbled his way through the coverage of the postseason on the cable network. Among the most glaring mistakes was calling several line drives hits when they were clearly caught.

  • Dollar Tree Team of the Year:

    Some teams are high end, some teams are bargin store, but the Pittsburgh Pirates are strictly dollar store as they continued to trade off star players and get little in return as they suffered their record 17th straight losing season.

  • Game of the Year:

    In one of the most thrilling games in the history of the Big East Tournament, Syracuse outlasted UConn 127-117 in six overtimes in the quarterfinals. it was the second longest game in the history of Division 1 basketball.

  • Shocker of the Year:

    Y.E. Yang for chasing down Tiger Woods on the final day of the PGA Championship in August. It was the first time Tiger had lost a lead when leading a major on a Sunday and the golfer to do it was an unknown who had just one previous win on the PGA tour.

  • Too Much Information award:

    When the steroids use and behavior off the field of Alex Rodriguez put when an article in Details Magazine came out and featured a picture of him kissing his own image in a mirror, it was just too much. We wish we could unseen what we saw. Things would work out in the end as he dated Kate Hudson and helped the Yankees win the World Series.

  • Great Gazoo Award :

    David Wright who after getting beaned, was the first to wear a new batting helmet with extra padding. However, said new helmet looked rather ridiculous and oversized as he was compared to the alien advisor of Fred Flintstones, soon afterward Wright went back to using a conventional helmet.

  • The Great One Award:

    New Jersey Devils Goalie Martin Brodeur who rewrote the NHL goaltending record book in 2009; setting the record for career wins, career games and career shutout, all while making his claim to the title “Greatest Goalie of All-time.

  • New Ice Age Award:

    The Pittsburgh Penguins who only a few years ago were in bankruptcy looking for a new arena, or a new city, are now back atop the hockey world after beating the Detroit Red Wings in a thrilling seven game series, and with a young core of stars like Evgeni Malkin and Sidney Crosby they may be a force for years to come as they open a new arena in 2010.

  • Mascot of the Year:

    Jaxson de Ville, it’s been a rough year for the Jacksonville Jaguars who have struggled to draw fans, and have had all but one home game blacked out this season. On December 13th their mascot a cat saw eight of his nine lives pass before his eyes when he got stuck upside down on a zip line high over the field.

  • Reunited Award:

    To Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant who put together their past differences and worked together again to lead the Western Conference to victory in the NBA All-Star Game, with each sharing MVP honors. Though the two were happy to play together they did not want to be one the same team again.

  • Show Stealer Award:

    Nate Robinson of the New York Knicks who overshadowed Dwight Howard’s superman act in the Slam Dunk Contest, by dressing in green and using a green basketball became Kyrptonate to win one of the best dunk competitions in recent years.

  • Hot Dog Award:

    Alex Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals who has become hockey’s ultimate showman with twp stock goal in the NHL skill’s competition, and in game goal celebrations that sometimes anger opponents that rival Touchdown celebrations in the NFL.

  • On our Own Award:

    To Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers who won their 15th NBA Championship. Kobe who has been trying to prove he could win without Shaq had another stellar season winning the Finals MVP.

  • Coach of the Year Award:

    Urban Meyer of Florida has become the model of consistency as he has won two BCS National Championships in three years by beating Oklahoma for the BCS in January. Meyer than had the Gators ranked first from the start of the season until they suffered a setback against Alabama in the SEC Title game.

  • Hard to say Good Bye Award:

    Florida State Coach Bobby Bowden who after 34 years is being forced to retire after a disappointing 6-6 season. He will coach the Seminoles in the Gator Bowl and retire with the second most wins in Major College Football history.

  • Retro Fit:

    To celebrate the 50th Anniversary of the American Football League, the original eight teams wore their old 1960’s uniforms, which in cases like the Houston Oilers and Buffalo Bills were a treat, and in cases like the Denver Broncos brown and yellow socks and the officials’ candy stripper uniforms a visual nightmare, but all season in provide an interesting look back to the start of the rival league that changed pro-football.

  • Best Dressed:

    Philadelphia 76ers who ditched their black uniforms and returned to the traditional red, white, and blue uniforms, even bringing back their classic old logo.

  • Worst Dressed:

    Here’s a rule of thumb certain colors shall never be seen as the primary color of a uniform, Lime Green is at the top of that list. The Seattle Seahawks broke that rule when they unveiled a third jersey against the Bears and injured many eyes across America. Combined with blue helmets and blue pants is set new standards in ugly. Luckily reports say it will never be worn again.

  • Potential Spokesman Award:

    What Michael Jordan did for Gatorade, Ron Artest could do for Hennessey after the often temperamental NBA star admitted to drinking the hard liquor at halftime of NBA games. Unfortunately falling downstairs in your house at Christmas could be a negative.

  • Worst Team of the Year:

    Washington Nationals for the second straight year lost more than 100 games, as they posted a 59-103 record. However, before Manager Manny Acta was fired they were even worse at 26-61, while playing a game with their jerseys spelled “Natinals”, and that’s not to mention their hideous fight song Nuts about the Nats.

  • Surprise Team of the Year:

    Arizona Cardinals a team whose history is beyond embarrassing went to Super Bowl XLIII and nearly upset the Pittsburgh Steelers despite posting a mediocre 9-7 regular season. Before the playoffs the Cardinals had exactly two postseason wins in their less than illustrious history.

  • Rising Stars Award:

    Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane are too the Western Conference what Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin are in the East, as they have made the Chicago Blackhawks a hot ticket again, taking them all the way to the Western Conference Finals, with both stars just 21 the potential is unlimited.

  • Best Team Money Can Buy:

    The New York Yankees opening a new stadium after missing the playoffs for the first time in 13 years looked towards free agency to get back to the top, and signed pitchers CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett along with slugger Mark Teixeira and regained their spot atop the baseball world, winning their 27th World Series Championship.

  • Best Team of the Year:

    The Pittsburgh Steelers just do things right, as they won their unprecedented sixth Super Bowl in January, beating the Arizona Cardinals 27-23 on Ben Roethslisberger’s pass to Santonio Holmes with 35 seconds left.

  • Lance Armstrong Inspirational Athlete of the Year:

    At the age of 59 after hip replacement Tom Watson came close to writing the golf story of the ages as he led the British Open heading into the final hole at Turnberry. However, after a bogey he struggled in the three hole playoff and settled for second place.

  • 2009 Sports E-Cylopedia Star of the Year

    Jimmie Johnson

    NASCAR may have some issues with recent loss of fans and Television ratings, who have not been a fan of the new rules and the Chase for the Cup, but that, should not be blamed on Jimmie Johnson who claimed an unprecedented fourth straight cup championship in 2009. Many great drivers have come and gone, but nobody has been able to win the series championship four years in a row like Johnson did in 2009. While the rules are quite different now, the accomplishment is awe inspiring just the same. The overall record for cup championships in a career is seven and it is held by the biggest names in the history of the sport; Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jimmie Johnson is more than halfway to that record, and with his recent dominance over the chase it will be impossible to bet against him eqauling or passing the legendary drivers.

The Tank Awards are a sole property of The Sports E-cyclopedia, and are the opinions of Frank Fleming, and are not an official award. Tank award image designed by Liam Scanlan.