2004 Tank Awards Copy

2004 Tank Awards

  • Cheech & Chong Athlete of the Year:

    Ricky Williams for giving up millions and NFL stardom all so he can have the freedom to smoke the wacky weed.

  • Place where Ricky wishes he was:

    2004 Athens Olympic Opening ceremonies where the cauldron resembled Ricky’s favorite item in the world.

  • Dude, Where's my team Award:

    Fans of the Miami Dolphins who had to suffer through the team’s worst season in 35 years without Ricky Williams.

  • Bill Buckneer Choke of the Year:

    New York Yankees blowing a 3-0 series lead in the ALCS to the Boston Red Sox, while having leads late in Games 4 & 5.

  • The Village Idiot Award:

    Gary Bettman for leading the NHL down a path of destruction that may lead to the cancellation of an entire NHL season and could perhaps forever destroy the sport of hockey.

  • Desperate House Wife Award:

    Ana Benson wife of Mets pitcher Kris Benson for her lets say candid discussions about activities with her husband in various MLB bullpens and in a parking lot while threatening to sleep with all of his teammates including the batboy if he ever cheated.

  • America's Most Wanted Athlete of the Year:

    Mike Danton of the St. Louis Blues who was arrested and sentenced to 7 and half years in prison for attempting to hire a hitman to kill his agent.

  • The OZ Cellblock B Team of the Year:

    To the Indiana Pacers for their full out riot with the fans of Detroit, which resulted in major suspensions and criminal charges to Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson and Jermaine O’Neal.

  • Weakest Athlete:

    Jason Giambi who lost weight and ability after being caught red handed with steroids, while missing half of the season.

  • Caught Red Handed Award:

    Jason Giambi, and Barry Bonds who testified under oath the used performance enhancing drugs.

  • Stark Lesson of the Year-

    Former MVP Ken Caminiti who died at the age of 41 from a drug induced heart attack in the Bronx, after spending the day looking for drugs just days after being released from prison.

  • Most Breakable Player of the Year:

    To Vince Cater who begins life as a New Jersey Net on the injured list a place he grew accustomed to in Toronto as he went from Air Canada to being booed and traded in December.

  • Worst Dressed:

    San Diego Padres what exactly is the color of those road jerseys any way and a logo with waves that is puzzling to say the least.

  • The Money for Nothing Award :

    To USA Men’s basketball team for their pathetic lackluster performance at the Olympics, what once was the dream team is now a nightmare as they had to settle for the Bronze Medal losing 3 times.

  • Best Sun Tan:

    To the Stanley Cup who needed some SPF25 after the Tampa Bay Lightning won the Stanley Cup.

  • Best Dressed:

    Memphis Grizzlies a terrific new color scheme with a nicer logo too celebrate their new den in Memphis.

  • Mascot of the Year:

    Mr. Met who gave an inside to the rough family life of a hard working mascot when he and his family allowed ESPN camera’s view him the Mrs and his 3 kids on the way home from a January Sportscenter taping.

  • Worst Team of the Year:

    The San Francisco 49ers formerly the golden standard of class and winning now a team heading to its worst season in 25 years, with little hope for the future with owners who seem to care little about winning or the fans.

  • Stayed too long award:

    Jerry Rice who now only occasionally showcases the brilliance he once displayed on every play, while his historic 19-year streak of making a reception every game ended.

  • Surprise Team of the Year:

    Detroit Pistons for their stunning win over the Lakers in the NBA Finals.

  • Best Team of the Year:

    Boston Red Sox winning the World Series after 86 years, beating the Yankees along the way in a classic comeback.

  • Unknown Accomplishment of the year:

    Ichiro setting MLB’s all time single season hit record on a last place Mariners team that went 63-99.

  • Au Reviour Award:

    To the Montreal Expos who after years of playing in limbo amidst a shrinking fan base finally bid adieu to Montreal as set forth to move to Washington in 2005.

  • The Thanks for everything Award:

    Phil Jackson who took the Lakers to the Finals 4 of 5 years winning 3 titles who was let go as the team chose to accommodate potential free agent Kobe Bryant.

  • Trip Down Memory Lane Award:

    Baseball announcing it will be returning to Washington DC in 2005, after a 34-year absence from the Capital, now if they can only get it right.

  • How is HE Still Here? Award:

    Arizona Diamondbacks GM Joe Garigoola Jr. who trade his entire infield for Richie Sexson who played less then a month before getting hurt, and lost to Free Agency while the D-Backs lost 11 games, then followed it up with the Wally Backman fiasco.

  • Break up of the year:

    The Lakers dynamic duo of Shaq and Kobe who could no longer co exist as Korbe Bryant got sick of being Robin and had the Lakers send Batman to a new bat cave in Miami.

  • The Don't Unpack Award:

    Rasheed Wallace who played just one game with the Atlanta Hawks after being traded midseason by the Portland Trailblazers, as he went on to win a title with the Detroit Pistons.

  • Gone too soon award:

    Pat Tillman of the Arizona Cardinals who gave up Millions to fight for his country become the first professional athlete killed since Vietnam.

  • Encore of the Year:

    Roger Clemens deciding not to retire, but to return with his hometown Astros and winning yet his 7th Cy Young Award, in what may be his final season.

  • One more for the road award:

    Mia Hamm of the US Women’s Soccer team who won the gold medal in her final season before retiring after a successful career that put her sport in the map.

  • Success at last award:

    Phil Mickelson at the Masters, who years after frustrating second place finishes at majors wins the Green Jackets erasing the perception that he was a choker.

  • Rising Star Award:

    Lebron James Rookie of the Year in 2004, putting up MVP numbers in year with the Cavaliers off to a strong start.

  • Déjà vu All over again Award:

    New England Patriots win the Super Bowl on a Vintari FG after a pass to Rickey Proehle ties the game.

  • Coach of the Year:

    John Tortorella of the Tampa Lightning who turned a dreadful franchise into Stanley Cup Champions with a disciplined tough coaching style.

  • Ironman of the Year/Mark Messier Leadership Moment of the Year:

    Curt Shilling for pitching with a torn ankle tendon stitched together and bleeding in the playoffs and World Series.

  • Twice as Nice Award:

    UConn Basketball Men’s and Women’s team winning the NCAA tournaments at the same time a first for March Madness in Division 1, as the Men’s Huskies team won their 2nd title and the Women’s team took home their 3rd straight.

  • Lance Armstrong Inspirational Athlete of the Year:

    He came he saw he feel behind early but once he hit the mountains they looked more like foothills for Lance Armstrong who won his 6th straight Tour de France.

  • Star of the Year:

    The 2004 Boston Red Sox World Series Champions, ending the infamous curse in dramatic fashion becoming the first team ever to rally from an 0-3 deficit in the ALCS against their nemesis the New York Yankees, with two dramatic marathon wins in Games 4 and 5 only to crush the Yankees in the final two games in The Bronx, then on to the anti-climatic World Series were they swept the St. Louis Cardinals to stand attop of the baseball world for the first time since 1918.

The Tank Awards are a sole property of The Sports E-cyclopedia, and are the opinions of Frank Fleming, and are not an official award. Tank award image designed by Liam Scanlan.