2004 Tank Awards Copy

2004 Tank Awards

Cheech & Chong Athlete of the Year:

Ricky Williams for giving up millions and NFL stardom all so he can have the freedom to smoke the wacky weed.
Place where Ricky wishes he was:

2004 Athens Olympic Opening ceremonies where the cauldron resembled Ricky’s favorite item in the world.
Dude, Where's my team Award:

Fans of the Miami Dolphins who had to suffer through the team’s worst season in 35 years without Ricky Williams.
Bill Buckneer Choke of the Year:

New York Yankees blowing a 3-0 series lead in the ALCS to the Boston Red Sox, while having leads late in Games 4 & 5.
The Village Idiot Award:

Gary Bettman for leading the NHL down a path of destruction that may lead to the cancellation of an entire NHL season and could perhaps forever destroy the sport of hockey.
Desperate House Wife Award:

Ana Benson wife of Mets pitcher Kris Benson for her lets say candid discussions about activities with her husband in various MLB bullpens and in a parking lot while threatening to sleep with all of his teammates including the batboy if he ever cheated.
America's Most Wanted Athlete of the Year:

Mike Danton of the St. Louis Blues who was arrested and sentenced to 7 and half years in prison for attempting to hire a hitman to kill his agent.
The OZ Cellblock B Team of the Year:

To the Indiana Pacers for their full out riot with the fans of Detroit, which resulted in major suspensions and criminal charges to Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson and Jermaine O’Neal.
Weakest Athlete:

Jason Giambi who lost weight and ability after being caught red handed with steroids, while missing half of the season.
Caught Red Handed Award:

Jason Giambi, and Barry Bonds who testified under oath the used performance enhancing drugs.
Stark Lesson of the Year-

Former MVP Ken Caminiti who died at the age of 41 from a drug induced heart attack in the Bronx, after spending the day looking for drugs just days after being released from prison.
Most Breakable Player of the Year:

To Vince Cater who begins life as a New Jersey Net on the injured list a place he grew accustomed to in Toronto as he went from Air Canada to being booed and traded in December.
Worst Dressed:

San Diego Padres what exactly is the color of those road jerseys any way and a logo with waves that is puzzling to say the least.
The Money for Nothing Award :

To USA Men’s basketball team for their pathetic lackluster performance at the Olympics, what once was the dream team is now a nightmare as they had to settle for the Bronze Medal losing 3 times.
Best Sun Tan:

To the Stanley Cup who needed some SPF25 after the Tampa Bay Lightning won the Stanley Cup.
Best Dressed:

Memphis Grizzlies a terrific new color scheme with a nicer logo too celebrate their new den in Memphis.
Mascot of the Year:

Mr. Met who gave an inside to the rough family life of a hard working mascot when he and his family allowed ESPN camera’s view him the Mrs and his 3 kids on the way home from a January Sportscenter taping.
Worst Team of the Year:

The San Francisco 49ers formerly the golden standard of class and winning now a team heading to its worst season in 25 years, with little hope for the future with owners who seem to care little about winning or the fans.
Stayed too long award:

Jerry Rice who now only occasionally showcases the brilliance he once displayed on every play, while his historic 19-year streak of making a reception every game ended.
Surprise Team of the Year:

Detroit Pistons for their stunning win over the Lakers in the NBA Finals.
Best Team of the Year:

Boston Red Sox winning the World Series after 86 years, beating the Yankees along the way in a classic comeback.
Unknown Accomplishment of the year:

Ichiro setting MLB’s all time single season hit record on a last place Mariners team that went 63-99.
Au Reviour Award:

To the Montreal Expos who after years of playing in limbo amidst a shrinking fan base finally bid adieu to Montreal as set forth to move to Washington in 2005.
The Thanks for everything Award:

Phil Jackson who took the Lakers to the Finals 4 of 5 years winning 3 titles who was let go as the team chose to accommodate potential free agent Kobe Bryant.
Trip Down Memory Lane Award:

Baseball announcing it will be returning to Washington DC in 2005, after a 34-year absence from the Capital, now if they can only get it right.
How is HE Still Here? Award:

Arizona Diamondbacks GM Joe Garigoola Jr. who trade his entire infield for Richie Sexson who played less then a month before getting hurt, and lost to Free Agency while the D-Backs lost 11 games, then followed it up with the Wally Backman fiasco.
Break up of the year:

The Lakers dynamic duo of Shaq and Kobe who could no longer co exist as Korbe Bryant got sick of being Robin and had the Lakers send Batman to a new bat cave in Miami.
The Don't Unpack Award:

Rasheed Wallace who played just one game with the Atlanta Hawks after being traded midseason by the Portland Trailblazers, as he went on to win a title with the Detroit Pistons.
Gone too soon award:

Pat Tillman of the Arizona Cardinals who gave up Millions to fight for his country become the first professional athlete killed since Vietnam.
Encore of the Year:

Roger Clemens deciding not to retire, but to return with his hometown Astros and winning yet his 7th Cy Young Award, in what may be his final season.
One more for the road award:

Mia Hamm of the US Women’s Soccer team who won the gold medal in her final season before retiring after a successful career that put her sport in the map.
Success at last award:

Phil Mickelson at the Masters, who years after frustrating second place finishes at majors wins the Green Jackets erasing the perception that he was a choker.
Rising Star Award:

Lebron James Rookie of the Year in 2004, putting up MVP numbers in year with the Cavaliers off to a strong start.
Déjà vu All over again Award:

New England Patriots win the Super Bowl on a Vintari FG after a pass to Rickey Proehle ties the game.
Coach of the Year:

John Tortorella of the Tampa Lightning who turned a dreadful franchise into Stanley Cup Champions with a disciplined tough coaching style.
Ironman of the Year/Mark Messier Leadership Moment of the Year:

Curt Shilling for pitching with a torn ankle tendon stitched together and bleeding in the playoffs and World Series.
Twice as Nice Award:

UConn Basketball Men’s and Women’s team winning the NCAA tournaments at the same time a first for March Madness in Division 1, as the Men’s Huskies team won their 2nd title and the Women’s team took home their 3rd straight.
Lance Armstrong Inspirational Athlete of the Year:

He came he saw he feel behind early but once he hit the mountains they looked more like foothills for Lance Armstrong who won his 6th straight Tour de France.
Star of the Year:

The 2004 Boston Red Sox World Series Champions, ending the infamous curse in dramatic fashion becoming the first team ever to rally from an 0-3 deficit in the ALCS against their nemesis the New York Yankees, with two dramatic marathon wins in Games 4 and 5 only to crush the Yankees in the final two games in The Bronx, then on to the anti-climatic World Series were they swept the St. Louis Cardinals to stand attop of the baseball world for the first time since 1918.